Post the Thirty-Sixth: Transparancy

Full disclosure time? Full disclosure time.

It's probably just because it's late at night and therefore my brain's gone wonky, but I think I need to fess up a little.

Lately, a few of you have been asking if I like anyone and I've been giving you cryptic answers. Well, the truth is, yes I do. It's someone that either you know or I've mentioned to you in conversation before. I don't want to tell you who, though. And I'll tell you why.

In my life, I have liked way, WAY too many guys. WAY too many. And it's seemingly one after the other. And honestly, I'm just kind of sick of the whole affair at this point. I'm sick of longing after guys who I'll never date. I'm sick of hoping for something I'll never have. Let's be honest: I'm never going to confess to a guy. One of my biggest fears is rejection from people who I care about, and therefore something seemingly simple like telling someone how I feel about them is as scary to me as climbing a mountain or jumping out of a plane is to others. So, unless a guy confesses to me, there's no chance of romance. AND, to further complicate things, after the debacle of my last and only boyfriend, I've promised myself that I'd only date guys who I was actually interested in. So, unless circumstances are PERFECTLY aligned, my chances of getting a boyfriend are low.

I'm not saying that I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. I'm saying I don't have a ton of faith in it.

So basically, in my longwinded sort of way, I'm trying to explain WHY I want to pretend this little crush doesn't exist. By acknowledging its existence, I'm giving it substance and form. I'm giving myself false hope. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of friendzoning and of failed attempts at conversation and of the gut-wrenching disappointment of every single crush I've ever had.

So. Yeah. I like a guy. So what? It isn't going anywhere. I don't want to talk about it. I basically want to ignore it and hope it goes away. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, too bad. At this point, only 1 person knows the identity (and that's through blackmail) and I believe that's 1 too many.