There's this guy who I went to high school with. For the sake of privacy, let's just call him N. N has Tourette's Syndrome. He would often be overtaken with verbal tics, and, although it was at first kind of startling, it just became a background noise in the classroom, like the drone of traffic outside. I never really got close to N, but he was in a lot of my classes.
Now, I go to SFU, and so does N. He's also a History major, and so far the only two History classes I've taken, he's been in as well. It took me a few weeks to notice it, but I noticed in that first semester that I forgot about him being in my class because he no longer has these verbal tics. I thought it was kind of weird at first, because in high school it was a constant thing. Sometimes he had to leave class because his expulsions would become so loud and distracting.
When I talked to my classmates about this, we came to the conclusion that the main cause of the severity of N's Tourette's in our high school was the fact that he was bullied and teased. He wasn't the coolest guy to begin with, with a low, slow heavily-accented voice and nerdy disposition, but the Tourette's made him an extra-easy target for the jerks in our grade. Now that those jerks aren't in his classes, it seems that he's much, MUCH better.
Now, I could be totally off the mark with that diagnosis. Maybe, over the summer, he learned some coping strategies. Maybe he's taking some sort of therapy for it. But even so, I find myself sort of identifying/sympathizing with N.
I was never bullied in high school. The 'cool kids' and I had an ambivalent sort of relationship: I ignored them, they ignored me, and we went on our happy way. But, even so, I felt sort of... constrained, I guess. Even though no one said a single thing, I felt like I was constantly being judged and watched and therefore had to hem in my behaviour to fit in with the norm. Even with my friends, I restricted parts of my personality that were less than likeable, so I could get along with everyone.
Today, as I was walking around campus, I came to the startling realization that I was completely happy and comfortable with myself. I listened to blasting Wizrock, dancing a little bit as I walked to class, ducking and weaving my way through the crowd, and didn't care a bit what anyone else thought. This is a very, VERY new thing for me. And it's not like I suddenly woke up this morning and just felt peachy; this has been encroaching for awhile. Maybe it's just the thing about being sort of anonymous in the crowd at university, but I feel like no one really cares about me except the people I love. And that's sort of awesome.
I'm not really sure what triggered this. Like I said, maybe it's the university experience: leaving behind the people from high school and even elementary school who I felt judged by and surrounding myself with people who either didn't care or loved me for who I was. Maybe it's the fact that I've just been surrounding myself with a lot more geeky stuff lately. But I honestly think that the university aspect has a large part in it. With the geeky stuff, I feel like I couldn't like that stuff -- and like it OPENLY -- without fear of rejection.
I think it might just also be part of growing up. Along with the usual growing up stuff, one thing that has really changed for me is that I'm finding myself able to trust my friends a lot more. I know that sounds kind of bad, but I've always had trust issues. I could psychoanalyze the shit out of myself about that -- in fact I'm pretty sure I know why I have those issues -- but that's not the point. The point is that I'm slowly becoming less and less afraid that my friends are going to run out on me. But, again, that could be a part of the growing comfortableness with myself. When I like myself, I believe others do too?
So, yeah, the point of this long rambling train of thought is just saying that I'm becoming a more confident, honest, trusting person, and I'm really happy about it.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Post the Thirty-Seventh: Love Sickness (It's a pun!)
So, there are three main things I wanted to blog about today.
Point 1: I really hope I'm not getting sick.
Today I stayed home from school because I woke up and felt like crap. I was nauseous, dizzy, had a headache, and extremely tired. I went back to sleep and slept until 12. I woke up for about 3 hours and then went to sleep again. So, yeah, I've only been awake for about 9 hours today.
This kind of worries me because I'm still not feeling totally awesome. In fact, I can feel my headache coming on again. I really don't want to get sick. I don't think anyone likes being sick.
On the other hand, I've been feeling like crap in general lately, so it'd be nice to have something non-mental/emotional to blame it on.
Point 2: I like weird love songs.
I've always been in love with love. I'm a rabid shipper (if you don't know what that ism, it's probably for the best), my top songs on my iTunes are love songs, I can't stand stories without any vestiges of romance... But I've realized I always like weird love songs. Like, my favourite love songs are either incredibly nerdy or incredibly weird.
For example, my favourite love songs are Birds by Kate Nash which is just... like, lolwut throughout, and You Ruined Everything by Jonathan Coulton which is kind of ironic ("You ruined everything in the nicest way"). And all my other favourite love songs are nerdy, like either based on Harry Potter or, y'know, entitled Nerdfighterlike. I guess this is because I tend to believe that weird quirky romance songs are more truthful. Or maybe it's because I'm so in love with love that the usual conventions bore me, and it's only weird stuff like this that makes me happy.
Yeah, I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about this love business lately, as you could probably tell by my last post. (I maintain that it wasn't depressing.)
Point 3: I've been listening to a lot of Youtube songs.
And they've been stuck in my head. A lot. Particularly I've had Looking for Alaska by Liane Graham and Nerdfighterlike by Lauren Fairweather stuck in my head today.
Oh my god I love Looking for Alaska. (The song. The book was alright.) I especially love the chorus, I can't stop singing.
"Thomas Edison's last words were, "It's very beautiful over there."
I don't know where 'there' is but I believe it's somewhere
And I hope it's beautiful like you, you're beautiful
I never really knew you at all/Did anyone every really know you at all?"
AUGHH I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH.
In a related note, Susan has revealed to me the divine truth of being able to edit songs in iTunes so they start/stop playing at certain times. Which is VERY useful if you download songs off Youtube that have like a minute of talking before they actually start. Like me.
Anyways, it's getting kinda late and even though I'm a little wired off of the cola I had and also the naps I had today, I should log off. Gnight.
Point 1: I really hope I'm not getting sick.
Today I stayed home from school because I woke up and felt like crap. I was nauseous, dizzy, had a headache, and extremely tired. I went back to sleep and slept until 12. I woke up for about 3 hours and then went to sleep again. So, yeah, I've only been awake for about 9 hours today.
This kind of worries me because I'm still not feeling totally awesome. In fact, I can feel my headache coming on again. I really don't want to get sick. I don't think anyone likes being sick.
On the other hand, I've been feeling like crap in general lately, so it'd be nice to have something non-mental/emotional to blame it on.
Point 2: I like weird love songs.
I've always been in love with love. I'm a rabid shipper (if you don't know what that ism, it's probably for the best), my top songs on my iTunes are love songs, I can't stand stories without any vestiges of romance... But I've realized I always like weird love songs. Like, my favourite love songs are either incredibly nerdy or incredibly weird.
For example, my favourite love songs are Birds by Kate Nash which is just... like, lolwut throughout, and You Ruined Everything by Jonathan Coulton which is kind of ironic ("You ruined everything in the nicest way"). And all my other favourite love songs are nerdy, like either based on Harry Potter or, y'know, entitled Nerdfighterlike. I guess this is because I tend to believe that weird quirky romance songs are more truthful. Or maybe it's because I'm so in love with love that the usual conventions bore me, and it's only weird stuff like this that makes me happy.
Yeah, I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about this love business lately, as you could probably tell by my last post. (I maintain that it wasn't depressing.)
Point 3: I've been listening to a lot of Youtube songs.
And they've been stuck in my head. A lot. Particularly I've had Looking for Alaska by Liane Graham and Nerdfighterlike by Lauren Fairweather stuck in my head today.
Oh my god I love Looking for Alaska. (The song. The book was alright.) I especially love the chorus, I can't stop singing.
"Thomas Edison's last words were, "It's very beautiful over there."
I don't know where 'there' is but I believe it's somewhere
And I hope it's beautiful like you, you're beautiful
I never really knew you at all/Did anyone every really know you at all?"
AUGHH I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH.
In a related note, Susan has revealed to me the divine truth of being able to edit songs in iTunes so they start/stop playing at certain times. Which is VERY useful if you download songs off Youtube that have like a minute of talking before they actually start. Like me.
Anyways, it's getting kinda late and even though I'm a little wired off of the cola I had and also the naps I had today, I should log off. Gnight.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Post the Thirty-Sixth: Transparancy
Full disclosure time? Full disclosure time.
It's probably just because it's late at night and therefore my brain's gone wonky, but I think I need to fess up a little.
Lately, a few of you have been asking if I like anyone and I've been giving you cryptic answers. Well, the truth is, yes I do. It's someone that either you know or I've mentioned to you in conversation before. I don't want to tell you who, though. And I'll tell you why.
In my life, I have liked way, WAY too many guys. WAY too many. And it's seemingly one after the other. And honestly, I'm just kind of sick of the whole affair at this point. I'm sick of longing after guys who I'll never date. I'm sick of hoping for something I'll never have. Let's be honest: I'm never going to confess to a guy. One of my biggest fears is rejection from people who I care about, and therefore something seemingly simple like telling someone how I feel about them is as scary to me as climbing a mountain or jumping out of a plane is to others. So, unless a guy confesses to me, there's no chance of romance. AND, to further complicate things, after the debacle of my last and only boyfriend, I've promised myself that I'd only date guys who I was actually interested in. So, unless circumstances are PERFECTLY aligned, my chances of getting a boyfriend are low.
I'm not saying that I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. I'm saying I don't have a ton of faith in it.
So basically, in my longwinded sort of way, I'm trying to explain WHY I want to pretend this little crush doesn't exist. By acknowledging its existence, I'm giving it substance and form. I'm giving myself false hope. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of friendzoning and of failed attempts at conversation and of the gut-wrenching disappointment of every single crush I've ever had.
So. Yeah. I like a guy. So what? It isn't going anywhere. I don't want to talk about it. I basically want to ignore it and hope it goes away. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, too bad. At this point, only 1 person knows the identity (and that's through blackmail) and I believe that's 1 too many.
It's probably just because it's late at night and therefore my brain's gone wonky, but I think I need to fess up a little.
Lately, a few of you have been asking if I like anyone and I've been giving you cryptic answers. Well, the truth is, yes I do. It's someone that either you know or I've mentioned to you in conversation before. I don't want to tell you who, though. And I'll tell you why.
In my life, I have liked way, WAY too many guys. WAY too many. And it's seemingly one after the other. And honestly, I'm just kind of sick of the whole affair at this point. I'm sick of longing after guys who I'll never date. I'm sick of hoping for something I'll never have. Let's be honest: I'm never going to confess to a guy. One of my biggest fears is rejection from people who I care about, and therefore something seemingly simple like telling someone how I feel about them is as scary to me as climbing a mountain or jumping out of a plane is to others. So, unless a guy confesses to me, there's no chance of romance. AND, to further complicate things, after the debacle of my last and only boyfriend, I've promised myself that I'd only date guys who I was actually interested in. So, unless circumstances are PERFECTLY aligned, my chances of getting a boyfriend are low.
I'm not saying that I don't think I'll ever get a boyfriend. I'm saying I don't have a ton of faith in it.
So basically, in my longwinded sort of way, I'm trying to explain WHY I want to pretend this little crush doesn't exist. By acknowledging its existence, I'm giving it substance and form. I'm giving myself false hope. And I'm sick of it. I'm sick of friendzoning and of failed attempts at conversation and of the gut-wrenching disappointment of every single crush I've ever had.
So. Yeah. I like a guy. So what? It isn't going anywhere. I don't want to talk about it. I basically want to ignore it and hope it goes away. If it's meant to be, it will happen. If not, too bad. At this point, only 1 person knows the identity (and that's through blackmail) and I believe that's 1 too many.
Friday, January 21, 2011
Post the Thirty-Fifth: Rrrrgh
I feel a little stressed.
Most of this stress comes from the fact that I promised myself that this term, I would genuinely try hard in school, instead of coasting along and somehow pulling good grades out of my ass like I usually do. I promised myself I'd do all my readings, attend all my classes, and actually study for tests.
However, the classes I'm taking this term require a lot of work, moreso than last term. There is a LOT of reading to do. For example, for this week, I still have to read 2 chapters for History (the chapters are about 50 pages each), 2 chapters for Philosophy (again, about 50 pp eage). Today I went to the library and read 100 pages for Humanities. And this is a 'light' week. I'm also supposed to read through all the plays in my textbook for English and decide on which essay topic I want to write on, and I also have a paper analyzing primary documents due on Monday. I'm lucky that Geography was cancelled due to snow on Thursday; I've already done my readings for this week (because they were actually last week's readings).
Despite all this work, I'm feeling rather... apathetic about actually doing it. I feel like there isn't nearly enough free time in the world to do everything I need to do and everything I want to do.
That's not to say that my life hasn't been good.
My birthday was last Thursday and it was actually a pretty fucking excellent birthday, possibly the best one I've ever had. I got $100 from my mom which I spent on textbooks; the World of Warcraft expansion pack from Jenn and Dixon; a book of sudoku puzzles and $50 from my grandparents which I also spent on textbooks; a $15 iTunes giftcard from my aunt (more on that later); a sweatervest from Kat; A Lion Among Men by Gregory Maguire from Olivera (which I already had :P); and a pair of really sweet headphones from Nadya and Sarah. I also got 3 drawings (from Chelsea, Ming, and Mimi -- all of which were entirely unexpected and totally awesome). More than any gift, I got a TON of love and good wishes. It's kind of unfortunate that I need something like a birthday to remind me of this, but my friends really are awesome and I'm so grateful for them.
My birthday was also just really fun. Beyond presents and love, the events of the day before, the day of, and the 2 days after were fun. There was a snow day the day before my birthday. On the day of my birthday, a new anime was released that is based off of my favourite manga (which I thought would NEVER EVER get turned into an anime), and it turned out to be a really fantastic and true-to-the-source adaptation. Also on my birthday, I only had the one class, and a good part of it was taken up by the professor making an analogy to Star Trek, which I highly enjoyed. After supper on my birthday, Jenn, Dixon, Allison (Dixon's mom), Denson (Dixon's brother) and I went to go see Tangled and we had THE ENTIRE THEATRE TO OURSELVES. Very cool. The day after my birthday, I hung out with Kat and went to IHOP, and then I hung out with Olivera and Kayla for a bit respectively. Two days after my birthday, on the Saturday, I went to all-you-can-eat sushi with my immediate family which was really fun, although they talked about World of Warcraft the entire time.
So, yeah, all in all, a good birthday.
Lately I've been becoming more involved in the Youtube community, subscribing to a lot of people and so on. In a related event, yesterday, I cleared out my iPod of songs I no longer listened to (about half of my library) to make my iPod more awesome and MUCH MUCH more geeky.
Remember how I got that $15 iTunes giftcard? Well, I've already decided what I'm going to spend it on. It hasn't come out yet, but Lauren Fairweather, a Youtube person who is also a fantastic musician, is putting out an album in the future that is ENTIRELY focused on Snape and Lily's history and relationship from Harry Potter. Lauren's part of a wizard rock band (yes those exist) called The Moaning Myrtles, but I prefer her solo stuff (although I love the Myrtles). So, when that comes out, I intend to buy it on iTunes. She's only released one song from it so far but it's SO GOOD. It's called Maybe and it's from Snape's POV when he first meets/sees Lily. I can't stop listening to it. I'll link it here.
Another thing that's going on with me is I feel the need to start writing a new novel, but I don't want to leave my old NaNoWriMo one alone to die. I do love that story, but... I don't know, It's been over a month since I've touched it, it'd be weird to start it again suddenly. Maybe if I read through it again? But the thing is, I'd get bored because I DO remember it all so well because... I came up with it.
Anyways, I'm going to leave it here for now. Maybe has been looping this entire time. Just FYI. It really is a good song. Even if you don't like Harry Potter, it's a good song and I think you should listen to it.
Most of this stress comes from the fact that I promised myself that this term, I would genuinely try hard in school, instead of coasting along and somehow pulling good grades out of my ass like I usually do. I promised myself I'd do all my readings, attend all my classes, and actually study for tests.
However, the classes I'm taking this term require a lot of work, moreso than last term. There is a LOT of reading to do. For example, for this week, I still have to read 2 chapters for History (the chapters are about 50 pages each), 2 chapters for Philosophy (again, about 50 pp eage). Today I went to the library and read 100 pages for Humanities. And this is a 'light' week. I'm also supposed to read through all the plays in my textbook for English and decide on which essay topic I want to write on, and I also have a paper analyzing primary documents due on Monday. I'm lucky that Geography was cancelled due to snow on Thursday; I've already done my readings for this week (because they were actually last week's readings).
Despite all this work, I'm feeling rather... apathetic about actually doing it. I feel like there isn't nearly enough free time in the world to do everything I need to do and everything I want to do.
That's not to say that my life hasn't been good.
My birthday was last Thursday and it was actually a pretty fucking excellent birthday, possibly the best one I've ever had. I got $100 from my mom which I spent on textbooks; the World of Warcraft expansion pack from Jenn and Dixon; a book of sudoku puzzles and $50 from my grandparents which I also spent on textbooks; a $15 iTunes giftcard from my aunt (more on that later); a sweatervest from Kat; A Lion Among Men by Gregory Maguire from Olivera (which I already had :P); and a pair of really sweet headphones from Nadya and Sarah. I also got 3 drawings (from Chelsea, Ming, and Mimi -- all of which were entirely unexpected and totally awesome). More than any gift, I got a TON of love and good wishes. It's kind of unfortunate that I need something like a birthday to remind me of this, but my friends really are awesome and I'm so grateful for them.
My birthday was also just really fun. Beyond presents and love, the events of the day before, the day of, and the 2 days after were fun. There was a snow day the day before my birthday. On the day of my birthday, a new anime was released that is based off of my favourite manga (which I thought would NEVER EVER get turned into an anime), and it turned out to be a really fantastic and true-to-the-source adaptation. Also on my birthday, I only had the one class, and a good part of it was taken up by the professor making an analogy to Star Trek, which I highly enjoyed. After supper on my birthday, Jenn, Dixon, Allison (Dixon's mom), Denson (Dixon's brother) and I went to go see Tangled and we had THE ENTIRE THEATRE TO OURSELVES. Very cool. The day after my birthday, I hung out with Kat and went to IHOP, and then I hung out with Olivera and Kayla for a bit respectively. Two days after my birthday, on the Saturday, I went to all-you-can-eat sushi with my immediate family which was really fun, although they talked about World of Warcraft the entire time.
So, yeah, all in all, a good birthday.
Lately I've been becoming more involved in the Youtube community, subscribing to a lot of people and so on. In a related event, yesterday, I cleared out my iPod of songs I no longer listened to (about half of my library) to make my iPod more awesome and MUCH MUCH more geeky.
Remember how I got that $15 iTunes giftcard? Well, I've already decided what I'm going to spend it on. It hasn't come out yet, but Lauren Fairweather, a Youtube person who is also a fantastic musician, is putting out an album in the future that is ENTIRELY focused on Snape and Lily's history and relationship from Harry Potter. Lauren's part of a wizard rock band (yes those exist) called The Moaning Myrtles, but I prefer her solo stuff (although I love the Myrtles). So, when that comes out, I intend to buy it on iTunes. She's only released one song from it so far but it's SO GOOD. It's called Maybe and it's from Snape's POV when he first meets/sees Lily. I can't stop listening to it. I'll link it here.
Another thing that's going on with me is I feel the need to start writing a new novel, but I don't want to leave my old NaNoWriMo one alone to die. I do love that story, but... I don't know, It's been over a month since I've touched it, it'd be weird to start it again suddenly. Maybe if I read through it again? But the thing is, I'd get bored because I DO remember it all so well because... I came up with it.
Anyways, I'm going to leave it here for now. Maybe has been looping this entire time. Just FYI. It really is a good song. Even if you don't like Harry Potter, it's a good song and I think you should listen to it.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Post the Thirty-Fifth: WTF, Life.
I'm feeling sort of mixed up. Not sure whether to be happy or not. Some things make me very happy, other things not so much...
Meh, whatever.
I've been thinking about New Year's Resolutions and whether I want to do any. I think I've decided on two.
1) Write 1000 words every day, if possible.
2) Study harder, keep up with readings, and try my best.
#1 is a loosely-applied resolution, because of the 'if possible'. I believe this is for the best. Some days, I cannot because of various other engagements. Other days, I'm too upset to write anything but emo poetry. Maybe I should write those out anyways, it's a good way to vent. Anyways, I'm going to be posting all my writing at Midori Ink, which is a writing blog I've just created. So far there are no posts, but I'm going to go there after I'm done writing this one and start this weird little short love story I came up with this morning while brushing my teeth.
#2 is a standard university student resolution I suppose. I certainly didn't do badly last term, but I feel that was more out of luck than anything else. One of the points I struggle most in is doing the readings, which, by the looks of my classes thusfar, will prove very important. I'm not aiming for a particular GPA, I'm just going to try my best.
I've been spending a lot of my free time watching this Youtube channel called Five Awesome Girls. It's, as the name implies, five girls who vlog. One vlogs every Monday, one every Tuesday, and so on. They're mostly from Wizrock bands, and thus I know a lot of them, and it's kind of cool. They share a lot of my interests and, to be honest, I get lonely a lot, and it's cool to watch their videos and feel like I'm part of a community. The shitty thing is that they decided 2010 would be their last year, so there's no real point in catching up other than just enjoying their videos.
I'm feeling very meh and don't want to depress you or make you worry about me, so I'm going to leave it here for today and go make my first post on Midori Ink.
(PS: The title of the writing blog means green ink. Midori's like my favourite Japanese name and it just means green. So. Just so you know.)
Meh, whatever.
I've been thinking about New Year's Resolutions and whether I want to do any. I think I've decided on two.
1) Write 1000 words every day, if possible.
2) Study harder, keep up with readings, and try my best.
#1 is a loosely-applied resolution, because of the 'if possible'. I believe this is for the best. Some days, I cannot because of various other engagements. Other days, I'm too upset to write anything but emo poetry. Maybe I should write those out anyways, it's a good way to vent. Anyways, I'm going to be posting all my writing at Midori Ink, which is a writing blog I've just created. So far there are no posts, but I'm going to go there after I'm done writing this one and start this weird little short love story I came up with this morning while brushing my teeth.
#2 is a standard university student resolution I suppose. I certainly didn't do badly last term, but I feel that was more out of luck than anything else. One of the points I struggle most in is doing the readings, which, by the looks of my classes thusfar, will prove very important. I'm not aiming for a particular GPA, I'm just going to try my best.
I've been spending a lot of my free time watching this Youtube channel called Five Awesome Girls. It's, as the name implies, five girls who vlog. One vlogs every Monday, one every Tuesday, and so on. They're mostly from Wizrock bands, and thus I know a lot of them, and it's kind of cool. They share a lot of my interests and, to be honest, I get lonely a lot, and it's cool to watch their videos and feel like I'm part of a community. The shitty thing is that they decided 2010 would be their last year, so there's no real point in catching up other than just enjoying their videos.
I'm feeling very meh and don't want to depress you or make you worry about me, so I'm going to leave it here for today and go make my first post on Midori Ink.
(PS: The title of the writing blog means green ink. Midori's like my favourite Japanese name and it just means green. So. Just so you know.)
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Post the Thirty-Fourth: New Year Thoughts
Hellooo
It's January 1st, 2011. Holy crap.
I spent my New Year's Eve/New Year's Day morning over at Olivera's house with a bunch of friends, some old and some new. We played board games, video games, card games, and chatted a LOT. There were 9 people there altogether (Olivera, Kat, Kim, Kayla, Daniel, Lily, Binita, and Nancy) and 4 of those people (Olivera, Kim, Binita and I) had a sleepover. At midnight, we sat in the living room watching the MuchMusic concert and counted down. We drank sparkling apple and raspberry juice at midnight and clinked our glasses together. The last people to head home, Kat and Daniel, left at about 1 or 2 AM. After that, the 4 of us who remained talked... and talked... and talked... We eventually fell asleep at about 6 AM. Mostly, we weren't tired, though. I think we could've talked the whole night through if we hadn't dreaded the sleep-hangover that would have awaited us. We woke up at around 11 or 12, and chatted and watched TV until about 4 or 5 PM.
The nature of the celebration of the New Year I attended, as well as various other things going on in my life, has made me realize how much has changed in the last year. Last year, I knew less than half of the attendants of that party, including myself. This year, I stay up until 6 AM talking with them. I'm going to another New Year's celebration tomorrow with the same sort of crowd, the affectionately-nicknamed Kinderninjas, who, likewise, were all but strangers to me at this time last year; one of them is an acquaintance from elementary school that I started talking to regularly only last year, and the other is a friend-of-a-friend who I started talking to and, through an attempt to foster romance, grew close to and remain close with, even though my romantic interests have waned. Other than those two, I didn't know any of the people who I'll be laughing and chatting with tomorrow.
Naturally, when you acquire new friends, you think about the role of the old ones. I don't think that much has changed with my old friends, even my oldest friends, but sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one... I wonder a lot if my old friends feel like I'm ditching them or whatever for new friends. If that's the case... well, I know a few of you read this blog, and I want you to know that's not my intent. I do try to treat all my friends equally... I admit that at times I've felt like some of my older friends have 'moved on' from me, but I also recognize that they were probably not the only ones moving away from the old relationship. Things change, people change, I recognize that. For me, it wasn't a conscious change. It was just natural momentum. I want to keep my old friends and the new ones. I don't mean to prioritize one over the other, and I really do try not to.
Unfortunately -- and this is kind of petty -- for me, this issue of juggling different groups of friends is going to become important very soon because my birthday's in less than 2 weeks, and I'm wondering what the hell I'm going to do to celebrate it. Like I said, I don't want to alienate or offend anyone, but the fact is my friend's group has nearly doubled in size since last year because of the addition of the kinderninjas to my social life. I mean, I don't think I'd invite the lot of them. I'm not that close with every single one of them, but I'd want to invite a few of them. And then I have my oldest group of friends from elementary school, and then my middle group of friends that were more or less Writers' Club. I mean, I just made a list of people that I consider to be close friends who I would want at my birthday party, and it's 12 people. That's way too many. And so who do I cut? I can't cut ANY of them, that's the problem. So, like last year, I might just do the diplomatic thing and not have a birthday party with friends at all.
I've also been thinking a lot about romantic love and what 'Mr Right' should be like, and more importantly, the hypothetical of what I would do if I met a guy who fulfilled all my weird little... I don't want to say fetishes. Uhh. Attractions. xD; Like, my crushes (on men real and fictional) have always been a bit... scattered. The real-life crushes have been kind of odd, but it was that oddness that united them. Almost every single guy I've ever liked has been funny and geeky. The fictional crushes have been noticeably divided into two categories: silent types and snarkers. The silent type is the typical tall-dark-n-handsome type who is silent and exudes this thing of like fierce loyalty and protection. The snarker type is like... apathetic and very sarcastic and funny with a sharp wit. Okay, so let's study these... geeky/funny, silent/loyal, and witty/sarcastic. ...Is there a guy who exists like this...? Like, I don't mean "Oh, he's kind of quiet around people he doesn't know but he's funny as hell if you know him well," I mean like... all of these. To the extreme. I also have various other odd aesthetic likes, like I like guys with curly hair, pretty eyes, glasses, musical talent... Those aren't necessary, of course, but they are nice.
Okay, and, say if I DID find this guy, what the hell would I do? Like, think about it for yourself. What would you do if you found a guy who PERFECTLY fit all of your requirements? For me, I've always convinced myself that finding such a guy was impossible, and I was going to have to settle for a diluted version, or a guy who was SOME of what I liked but not ALL of it. But... yeah... IDK... If I found someone who was so amazing and seemingly perfect it would scare me... Because nothing is perfect, so he's not perfect obviously. Also I'd be afraid of like... if I DID go for it and it didn't go well, I'd be afraid that I'd never find someone as good. So. I don't know. ._.
I don't know why I've been thinking about all of this lately... Just been hanging out with a lot of people over the break, doing a lot of chatting, and having a LOT of free time to think about these things.
Anyways, I'm going to end it here. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and I hope that your year is excellent. :)
It's January 1st, 2011. Holy crap.
I spent my New Year's Eve/New Year's Day morning over at Olivera's house with a bunch of friends, some old and some new. We played board games, video games, card games, and chatted a LOT. There were 9 people there altogether (Olivera, Kat, Kim, Kayla, Daniel, Lily, Binita, and Nancy) and 4 of those people (Olivera, Kim, Binita and I) had a sleepover. At midnight, we sat in the living room watching the MuchMusic concert and counted down. We drank sparkling apple and raspberry juice at midnight and clinked our glasses together. The last people to head home, Kat and Daniel, left at about 1 or 2 AM. After that, the 4 of us who remained talked... and talked... and talked... We eventually fell asleep at about 6 AM. Mostly, we weren't tired, though. I think we could've talked the whole night through if we hadn't dreaded the sleep-hangover that would have awaited us. We woke up at around 11 or 12, and chatted and watched TV until about 4 or 5 PM.
The nature of the celebration of the New Year I attended, as well as various other things going on in my life, has made me realize how much has changed in the last year. Last year, I knew less than half of the attendants of that party, including myself. This year, I stay up until 6 AM talking with them. I'm going to another New Year's celebration tomorrow with the same sort of crowd, the affectionately-nicknamed Kinderninjas, who, likewise, were all but strangers to me at this time last year; one of them is an acquaintance from elementary school that I started talking to regularly only last year, and the other is a friend-of-a-friend who I started talking to and, through an attempt to foster romance, grew close to and remain close with, even though my romantic interests have waned. Other than those two, I didn't know any of the people who I'll be laughing and chatting with tomorrow.
Naturally, when you acquire new friends, you think about the role of the old ones. I don't think that much has changed with my old friends, even my oldest friends, but sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one... I wonder a lot if my old friends feel like I'm ditching them or whatever for new friends. If that's the case... well, I know a few of you read this blog, and I want you to know that's not my intent. I do try to treat all my friends equally... I admit that at times I've felt like some of my older friends have 'moved on' from me, but I also recognize that they were probably not the only ones moving away from the old relationship. Things change, people change, I recognize that. For me, it wasn't a conscious change. It was just natural momentum. I want to keep my old friends and the new ones. I don't mean to prioritize one over the other, and I really do try not to.
Unfortunately -- and this is kind of petty -- for me, this issue of juggling different groups of friends is going to become important very soon because my birthday's in less than 2 weeks, and I'm wondering what the hell I'm going to do to celebrate it. Like I said, I don't want to alienate or offend anyone, but the fact is my friend's group has nearly doubled in size since last year because of the addition of the kinderninjas to my social life. I mean, I don't think I'd invite the lot of them. I'm not that close with every single one of them, but I'd want to invite a few of them. And then I have my oldest group of friends from elementary school, and then my middle group of friends that were more or less Writers' Club. I mean, I just made a list of people that I consider to be close friends who I would want at my birthday party, and it's 12 people. That's way too many. And so who do I cut? I can't cut ANY of them, that's the problem. So, like last year, I might just do the diplomatic thing and not have a birthday party with friends at all.
I've also been thinking a lot about romantic love and what 'Mr Right' should be like, and more importantly, the hypothetical of what I would do if I met a guy who fulfilled all my weird little... I don't want to say fetishes. Uhh. Attractions. xD; Like, my crushes (on men real and fictional) have always been a bit... scattered. The real-life crushes have been kind of odd, but it was that oddness that united them. Almost every single guy I've ever liked has been funny and geeky. The fictional crushes have been noticeably divided into two categories: silent types and snarkers. The silent type is the typical tall-dark-n-handsome type who is silent and exudes this thing of like fierce loyalty and protection. The snarker type is like... apathetic and very sarcastic and funny with a sharp wit. Okay, so let's study these... geeky/funny, silent/loyal, and witty/sarcastic. ...Is there a guy who exists like this...? Like, I don't mean "Oh, he's kind of quiet around people he doesn't know but he's funny as hell if you know him well," I mean like... all of these. To the extreme. I also have various other odd aesthetic likes, like I like guys with curly hair, pretty eyes, glasses, musical talent... Those aren't necessary, of course, but they are nice.
Okay, and, say if I DID find this guy, what the hell would I do? Like, think about it for yourself. What would you do if you found a guy who PERFECTLY fit all of your requirements? For me, I've always convinced myself that finding such a guy was impossible, and I was going to have to settle for a diluted version, or a guy who was SOME of what I liked but not ALL of it. But... yeah... IDK... If I found someone who was so amazing and seemingly perfect it would scare me... Because nothing is perfect, so he's not perfect obviously. Also I'd be afraid of like... if I DID go for it and it didn't go well, I'd be afraid that I'd never find someone as good. So. I don't know. ._.
I don't know why I've been thinking about all of this lately... Just been hanging out with a lot of people over the break, doing a lot of chatting, and having a LOT of free time to think about these things.
Anyways, I'm going to end it here. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and I hope that your year is excellent. :)
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