Hellooo.
I'm not in a very good mood right now so sorry if this blog entry is somewhat blehh.
WHY am I not in a very good mood? Because my life is not going the way I want it to currently...
1) Working on NaNoWriMo. I'm sure you guys know what that is. If not, Google it. So, yeah, I'm behind about 1 day, which isn't MUCH, I could catch up if I really worked hard, but I'm the sort of person who gets disheartened by small things and they loom over me and the logic goes 'why work on something when you're already behind', so I get further behind and arrrrgh. I've been behind for about a week... I worked really hard last Friday and Saturday to catch up, and then on Sunday I barely touched it due to PMS and also being wiped out from working hard on Saturday. So yeah, I'm still a day behind. My story is going to plan, everything's working out swimmingly, it's just a matter of ignoring the fact that I'm behind so that I can catch up.
2) Love life sucks. I've recently (see: this week and especially today) come to grips with the fact that the guy who I'm interested in is not and will likely never be mutually interested in me. Also he's kind of still in love with one of my best friends. SO. That's, um, wonderful. And once again I'm friendzoned. I am so tired of the friendzone, you have no idea. I know all the consolatory phrases and adages about true love being hard to find and better to have loved and blah blah blah, but it's really really really frustrating, and it makes me question what's so horrible about myself. And I KNOW I'm being stupid. I'm just saying, that's how I feel.
3) University is raping me. I know I often say that I don't find university that hard, but I admit it is a bit stressful. I feel like I should be a lot more concerned about it than I feel. I am stressed from it but I'm not constantly dwelling on it. School-related stress is like a natural part of life now. But still, it does compound the other stresses.
4) Constant bullshit and stress at home. My mom has been increasingly needlessly demanding and horrible. My stress levels are increasing with all the other stuff, and she's just adding onto it. I don't feel like I'm respected at all, that I'm only there to be her servant. I'd move out, but...
5) Poor. I have no money and I know if I got a job right now I'd spontaneously combust from stress. I don't even have money from student loans because my mom won't fill out the forms because she's too lazy. It's not because she's BUSY -- she spends her evening playing video games while I work on homework and NaNoWriMo and she yells at me for being lazy and not doing housework -- it's just because she's lazy. And she won't give me money. So I go to university and my stomach starts growling at noon and I'm not home 'til 8 PM and I can't do jack-shit about it because I have NO MONEY.
6) I KNOW THIS IS BULLSHIT, BUT. I feel like with my friend's relationships a lot of the time I'm the one who listens to complaints and gives advice and there's no reciprocity. In fact, the only one who I feel like I can complain a little bit to is Jessica (THANK YOU JESSICA, ILU <333). All my other friends... I could be sitting there, having a horrible day, and I don't feel like I can talk to them about it because they're caught up in their own thing.
7)I'm just tired. Tired of everything. Tired of school, tired of constantly working, tired of my relationships with others... tired of life. I have no energy. And I know others have it worse than me, but for me right now this is a lot and I'm having trouble handling it all.
And to top it all off, I have a really bad headache right now.
So, to stop myself from being emo, I'm going to take some painkillers and go to bed. Maybe things will look brighter in the morning. Or maybe, like every other day, I'll wake up and realize that nothing at all has changed and get slowly more and more depressed about it as the day goes on until you have THIS, me at midnight, just wanting to end it all. (I won't kill myself, don't worry. Even the thought of that exhausts me further.)
Night, y'all.
1) i know you'll catch up on nanowrimo, because you spent/are spending A LOOOOT of time and thought and effort into it. plus, you finished last year ;D
ReplyDelete2)kill them all! haha jk.. but i know you dont like cheesy reassurances so <3
3)the solutation is to rape school back ;D
sounds like youre doing really well in your class though! plus you're actually interested in the subjects so it helps you do good :D
4) :( go to le park??
5) the way i filled out my student loan apps, i just asked my parents to give me their tax papers, and filled them in myself (its pretty easy, and if you have questions u can ask me or call the office)
6) i heart you too! and of course, we're all willing to listen. youre just as important to us as we are to you
7)hope your nap makes you feel a little bit better and more rested