Post the Fifty-First: No Sleep Tonight

Godfuckingdamnit

It's getting really hard to not overanalyze stuff when it seems to scream HOLY CRAP BALLS HE LIKES YOU

Okay. So. Long story short, recently I went to a birthday party. The guy I liked was there. Towards the end of the night when it was getting chill and quiet and I was kind of bored/sad, we were sitting beside each other on the couch. He sang the first line of a song that we both like to me, just quiet enough so I could hear it. No one else in the room even knew the song, and he's DEFINITELY not the type to randomly sing. I sort of giggled and glanced over at him, and he was looking away, smiling. I figured he just wanted to cheer me up. Kind of potentially romantic but also definitely potentially platonic.

I have problems with overanalyzing little moments and building them up to much more than they are and just getting hurt later, so I tried to not think about it too hard.

Here's the rub: I couldn't remember what song it was. It was an artist I've recently started to like who has an extensive discography, and it was a song I definitely recognized but didn't place.

Today, I realized what song it was as I was about to go to bed, listening to my iPod and dancing around as I got ready for bed. It was a fucking love song. The artist we both like does NOT write many love songs. I think he has like 5 love songs in total, out of his 80 or so songs.

What. The. Shit.

One could easily dismiss this as just being a random song that was stuck in his head that he knew I liked, which I'm trying very very hard to do. But, to be honest... there's been a LOT of stuff that I've been dismissing as coincidence. So much stuff that I can't really silence the little voice in my head that says that it isn't a coincidence, no matter how hard I try to silence it.

Fucking fuck. I told myself I would not get this into him, that I wouldn't allow myself to hope anything would happen.

Post the Fiftieth: Animal

I CAN'T GET THIS SONG OUT OF MY HEAD
Maybe because I've listened to it like a dozen times since I discovered it this morning.
But still.
Animal by Neon Trees... good song. Good song.



Here we go again
I wanna be more than friends
So take it easy on me
I'm afraid you're never satisfied

Here we go again
We're sick like animals,
We play pretend
You're just a cannibal

And I'm afraid I won't get out alive
No, I won't sleep tonight

Oh oh, I want some more
Oh oh, what are you waiting for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh, I want some more
Oh oh, what are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight

Here we are again
I feel the chemicals kicking in
It's getting heavy
And I wanna run and hide
I wanna run and hide

I do it every time
You're killing me now
And I won't be denied by you
The animal inside of you

Oh oh, I want some more
Oh oh, what are you waiting for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh, I want some more
Oh oh, what are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight

Hush hush, the world is quiet
Hush hush, we both can't fight it
It's us that made this mess
Why can't you understand?

Woah, I won't sleep tonight
I won't sleep tonight

Here we go again
Here we go again
Here we go again

Oh oh, I want some more
Oh oh, what are you waiting for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh, I want some more
Oh oh, what are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
What are you waiting?
Take a bite of my heart tonight
Oh oh, I want some more
Oh oh, what are you waiting for?
What are you waiting for?
Take a bite of my heart tonight

Post the Forty-First: Gigglegigglegiggle

Concert was yesterday. I've already given you all a detailed rundown. It was kind of amazing and whenever I'm bored or sad I think of another funny moment and just start laughing again. It was pretty much 4 hours of awesomeness. It honestly felt like a dream... Like, I have trouble believing it actually happened... Some parts kind of read like fanfiction... BUT MOVING ON.

Okay, tell me your opinion on this: Do you think it's a good thing or a bad thing if a song lyric that made sense to you 8 years ago (for me, when I was 11) still makes PERFECT SENSE now? Like, in relation to my life. If it's a love song. Frick. ><;;
Michelle Branch was one of the first musicians I got very obsessed with and I still enjoy her music today. But like... yeah... I was thinking about things and stuff and a lyric popped into my head that fit the situation PERFECTLY. Googled it. Oh. It's a Michelle Branch. *HEADFUCKINGDESK*
I don't know why this bothers me so much. I guess it makes me feel like I haven't grown much emotionally, which kind of freaking sucks.
On the plus side, it's a lyric that I never really identified with. But still. Jeez.

Reading Break is almost over, which bums me out... especially since I've got to work all day tomorrow and there's like a sea of midterms looming on the horizon... Sighhh. Goodbye happiness...

Oh well. I'll just listen to LOTS and LOTS of Darren Criss.
(...Listening to some right now but that's pure coincidence.)

I'm becoming a less inhibited person. I know I've mentioned this before, but... yeah... just noticing it more and more. Nothing too groundbreaking, just basically plucking up the courage to do more and more things... freaking out my friends and family in the process...

Speaking of inhibitions, after thinking about it for a bit today, I think I've realized why I, at this point, really don't want to drink. Everyone knows that alcohol takes away some of your inhibitions. For me, my inhibitions are basically everything. That's kinda sad, but true. I've built a lovely little shield around myself. I'm comfy in my bubble of inhibitions. Alcohol is like the hammer that smashes that bubble. And, um, do not want. So yeahh... I mean, for a long time, I thought it was because of the whole dad situation, but that's more where my fear of drunken people stems from; doesn't really explain why I don't want to drink. Fear of losing my inhibition-bubble would explain it fantastically. But, like I said, the inhibition-bubble is becoming thinner and thinner as time goes on. So, IDK, maybe one day I'll be comfortable enough to drink. Right now, though, I'm not quite ready to take that step.

Might seem kind of extreme -- like, "What are you so afraid of letting show?" But you all should know by now that I live by the phrase, "Hope for the best, plan for the worst." I'm imagining inhibition loss of epic proportions. All my deepest, darkest secrets yodeled to the people I want to impress most when sober. Nooooot really ready for that. And you could say, "Well, just drink with people you aren't afraid to be yourself with." To which I would say, "I have confidence in my drunk dialing abilities."

But anyways, yeah. There.

Anyways, it's getting a bit late and I'm running out of things to talk about.
If you want to get nearly constantly barraged with information about what's on my mind, feel free to check out my Tumblr.

Post the Fortieth: I Don't Get Valentine's Day

http://dayglopterodactyl.tumblr.com/post/3296904343/i-dont-get-valentines-day

Post the Thirty-Ninth: Here Comes the Sun

Helloooo

I am in such a better mood than I was a week ago. For serious.

I've been really... moodswingy, to put it lightly, lately. Mostly with negative emotions. So, that hasn't been fun. :| But, um...

Well. I got my period.

For some reason this made me feel a LOT better. IDK. My hormones are effed up.

Anyways, yeah, I'm feeling pretty fantastic right now actually.

My weekends for the next 3 weeks are going to be composed primarily of awesome. Here's why!
This weekend: Kim's birthday party, including sleepover. Hurrah. :) Always lots of fun.
Next weekend: I'm going to my first concert! (More on this later.)
Next-next weekend: Tyler's birthday party. Woot woot!

SO YEAH CONCERT. :D

It's a Jonathan Coulton concert. Yes. I know none of you know him. That's alright. He's amazing. Here's one of his songs, the first one I ever heard.

So yeah, I'm pretty stoked. I'm going with Laura and Aaron C. Excited excited excited excited. I've never been to a concert before, eeee. :DD It's at the Rio Theatre by Commercial/Broadway Station.

My computer crashed on Monday but it's up and running again. I pretty much lost all my data. So. There's THAT. But whatever, it's working again.

Oh! I got a new cell phone. It's a Samsung Galaxy S, and it's a smartphone. Feel free to text me whenever, cause I've got unlimited texting. :D I've also got unlimited social networking (ie: Facebook) and can connect to the internet if there's wireless around. Also, it's an Android, so I can get a TON of apps for it!! Including one that lets me customize my ringtone and notification sounds. :D I made them super-nerdy of course. It's pretty awesome. The only thing that's a bit of a downgrade is I no longer have caller ID, which has led to a lot of confusion when I have missed called. ><;

I'm enjoying Glee right now. Well, specifically, I'm enjoying Klaine, AKA Kurt and Blaine. And by 'enjoying', I mean 'reading fanfiction almost constantly' and 'replaying the few short scenes of it a few times every day'. This week's episode was so good for Klaine. SO GOOD. So. Yeah. I'm stoked for next week's, to see the developments. :)

While my computer was crashed, I read the first book of the Hunger Games series. It was pretty good, I'd recommend reading it. Working on the second one right now, might read the rest of it tomorrow. Susan lent me the first one, and after I read it in a day, she lent me the other two for reading break. I can maybe return one of them to her at Kim's party. :)

So overall I'm just in a happy mood, enjoying life. Yay. :)

Oh, BTW, I've sort of become obsessed with Tumblr which is the hybrid of Facebook status updates and blogs. Basically it's just a place for random shit. Feel free to check out my page. I update a LOT. How many have I posted today, let's see... about 15. Yeah. I'm obsessed.

Post the Thirty-Eighth: Inhibited

There's this guy who I went to high school with. For the sake of privacy, let's just call him N. N has Tourette's Syndrome. He would often be overtaken with verbal tics, and, although it was at first kind of startling, it just became a background noise in the classroom, like the drone of traffic outside. I never really got close to N, but he was in a lot of my classes.

Now, I go to SFU, and so does N. He's also a History major, and so far the only two History classes I've taken, he's been in as well. It took me a few weeks to notice it, but I noticed in that first semester that I forgot about him being in my class because he no longer has these verbal tics. I thought it was kind of weird at first, because in high school it was a constant thing. Sometimes he had to leave class because his expulsions would become so loud and distracting.

When I talked to my classmates about this, we came to the conclusion that the main cause of the severity of N's Tourette's in our high school was the fact that he was bullied and teased. He wasn't the coolest guy to begin with, with a low, slow heavily-accented voice and nerdy disposition, but the Tourette's made him an extra-easy target for the jerks in our grade. Now that those jerks aren't in his classes, it seems that he's much, MUCH better.

Now, I could be totally off the mark with that diagnosis. Maybe, over the summer, he learned some coping strategies. Maybe he's taking some sort of therapy for it. But even so, I find myself sort of identifying/sympathizing with N.

I was never bullied in high school. The 'cool kids' and I had an ambivalent sort of relationship: I ignored them, they ignored me, and we went on our happy way. But, even so, I felt sort of... constrained, I guess. Even though no one said a single thing, I felt like I was constantly being judged and watched and therefore had to hem in my behaviour to fit in with the norm. Even with my friends, I restricted parts of my personality that were less than likeable, so I could get along with everyone.

Today, as I was walking around campus, I came to the startling realization that I was completely happy and comfortable with myself. I listened to blasting Wizrock, dancing a little bit as I walked to class, ducking and weaving my way through the crowd, and didn't care a bit what anyone else thought. This is a very, VERY new thing for me. And it's not like I suddenly woke up this morning and just felt peachy; this has been encroaching for awhile. Maybe it's just the thing about being sort of anonymous in the crowd at university, but I feel like no one really cares about me except the people I love. And that's sort of awesome.

I'm not really sure what triggered this. Like I said, maybe it's the university experience: leaving behind the people from high school and even elementary school who I felt judged by and surrounding myself with people who either didn't care or loved me for who I was. Maybe it's the fact that I've just been surrounding myself with a lot more geeky stuff lately. But I honestly think that the university aspect has a large part in it. With the geeky stuff, I feel like I couldn't like that stuff -- and like it OPENLY -- without fear of rejection.

I think it might just also be part of growing up. Along with the usual growing up stuff, one thing that has really changed for me is that I'm finding myself able to trust my friends a lot more. I know that sounds kind of bad, but I've always had trust issues. I could psychoanalyze the shit out of myself about that -- in fact I'm pretty sure I know why I have those issues -- but that's not the point. The point is that I'm slowly becoming less and less afraid that my friends are going to run out on me. But, again, that could be a part of the growing comfortableness with myself. When I like myself, I believe others do too?

So, yeah, the point of this long rambling train of thought is just saying that I'm becoming a more confident, honest, trusting person, and I'm really happy about it.

Post the Thirty-Seventh: Love Sickness (It's a pun!)

So, there are three main things I wanted to blog about today.


Point 1: I really hope I'm not getting sick.

Today I stayed home from school because I woke up and felt like crap. I was nauseous, dizzy, had a headache, and extremely tired. I went back to sleep and slept until 12. I woke up for about 3 hours and then went to sleep again. So, yeah, I've only been awake for about 9 hours today.

This kind of worries me because I'm still not feeling totally awesome. In fact, I can feel my headache coming on again. I really don't want to get sick. I don't think anyone likes being sick.

On the other hand, I've been feeling like crap in general lately, so it'd be nice to have something non-mental/emotional to blame it on.


Point 2: I like weird love songs.

I've always been in love with love. I'm a rabid shipper (if you don't know what that ism, it's probably for the best), my top songs on my iTunes are love songs, I can't stand stories without any vestiges of romance... But I've realized I always like weird love songs. Like, my favourite love songs are either incredibly nerdy or incredibly weird.

For example, my favourite love songs are Birds by Kate Nash which is just... like, lolwut throughout, and You Ruined Everything by Jonathan Coulton which is kind of ironic ("You ruined everything in the nicest way"). And all my other favourite love songs are nerdy, like either based on Harry Potter or, y'know, entitled Nerdfighterlike. I guess this is because I tend to believe that weird quirky romance songs are more truthful. Or maybe it's because I'm so in love with love that the usual conventions bore me, and it's only weird stuff like this that makes me happy.

Yeah, I don't know. I've been thinking a lot about this love business lately, as you could probably tell by my last post. (I maintain that it wasn't depressing.)


Point 3: I've been listening to a lot of Youtube songs.

And they've been stuck in my head. A lot. Particularly I've had Looking for Alaska by Liane Graham and Nerdfighterlike by Lauren Fairweather stuck in my head today.

Oh my god I love Looking for Alaska. (The song. The book was alright.) I especially love the chorus, I can't stop singing.
"Thomas Edison's last words were, "It's very beautiful over there."
I don't know where 'there' is but I believe it's somewhere
And I hope it's beautiful like you, you're beautiful
I never really knew you at all/Did anyone every really know you at all?"
AUGHH I JUST LOVE IT SO MUCH.

In a related note, Susan has revealed to me the divine truth of being able to edit songs in iTunes so they start/stop playing at certain times. Which is VERY useful if you download songs off Youtube that have like a minute of talking before they actually start. Like me.

Anyways, it's getting kinda late and even though I'm a little wired off of the cola I had and also the naps I had today, I should log off. Gnight.